DISTANCE

On a day that usually would be filled with family, brunch and laugher, today held only distance exchanges and silence. I knew today would be a day of "heavy heartedness" when my feet hit the floor this morning after a nights sleep. I felt heavy with each step I ran until the cloud lifted. I found myself feeling anxious. A feeling I have grown to open the door for more times lately then I have in years. I know Im not alone, in fact I see it on the faces of distance strangers when I leave our nest and brave the world if only for a short time. Eyes are wider, faces, covered, some not, some seem unaware only to be alarmed by my covered hands,mouth, nose. Suspicion on our faces when we see a stranger and they come to close. If you asked me two months ago what I was afraid of I would have probably answered, not enough time with my husband. Ha!, well that is no longer a problem I say from a place of love. We have probably spent more time together in the last 5 weeks then we have in 25 years. Its okay though, we like each other a lot and have managed well together all these years with humor, love, friendship and respect. Our house is sterile, our house is empty. No social gatherings, no Sunday dinners. Just us. Me washing anything and everything that enters our orbit and Kenny who's eyes are so filled with love and appreciation for more time together.

Its hard though, not being able to hug my daughter Elanna and just smell her scent only a Mother would know. My heart aches to just hear Mindy's voice announcing her arrival from NYC like a wind tunnel of energy as she busts through the front door. I miss Sunday dinners, HH with my closest friends. Social distance runs seem to be creating more space between us as the weeks pass. I miss the faces from which I grew a career, a business, friendships and livelong bonds. Boy do I miss my old life.

However, I still believe my glass is half full and filling just a little bit more everyday. I am so grateful to still see my running friends as well continue to do what we do best, love and support each other. FaceTime HH with the Girls who knew me when I didn't even know myself yet. FaceTiming with our beautiful granddaughter Evan as her face lights up the screen. Jokes arriving daily from friends. Teaching from my new basement studio and seeing names of people who I once upon a time filled my days with pop up. Sharing the spotlight with my dog Rudy. Messages, notes, emails, texts, donations, treats on the doorstep from Jane and Ann. Threads with people who make me laugh everyday and remind me when its HH. :-)

I grew up battling monsters in my closet. This gave me strength to be who I am today, proud to own my story.  I am learning that I am again stronger then this invisible enemy. I can do this! We can do this! Together we will find our way back, we will find our way home. Together and someday hand in hand or elbow to elbow we will be together again.

Happy Easter/Happy Passover

Simon and Garfunkel
Hello darkness, my old friend
I've come to talk to you again
Because a vision softly creeping
Left its seeds while sleeping
And a vision that was planted in my brain
               Still Remains
Within the sound of silence